Off Topic...Hot Topic

Sometimes the best things in life are the simplest...and these are the best thing at the moment.

Socks from Hot Topic. They are knee socks. Warm without being bulky, soft and comfy and they keep my legs and feet warm. The new job seems to be saving money by turning off the heat. I don't mind a cool room, but this place is actually chilly. But my new socks are fantastic.

SO, if you're looking for socks, get thee to a Hot Topic store. Plus they sell Tokio Hotel CD's and DVD's ... so I guess this isn't really that off topic after all :)

(And get a HT+1 card...frequent buyer card...friend with benefits card...something like that. You save lots of money and get points too. Always a good thing.)

Phantomrider/Geisterfahrer

This has got to be my new favorite song...the German version. I like the English and I've listened to it enough to know it by heart, but I found the German version to listen to online at work.

Whomever the girl is singing, she has the most amazing pure sound to her voice. I did a quick search and apparently she's uncredited, which is fine. I really don't need to know her name to love the combination of Bill's voice and hers.

I literally stopped working the first time I heard it...

Something I rarely do...

Is tell someone what to do...I have lots of opinions and am more than willing to share them, but rarely feel the need to out and out tell someone they need to make changes.

And I really dislike capitalizing on what I feel is some media sensationalism and bad press as well...that's not my motive.

Bill looks too thin and I think he needs to gain a little weight. I have an old...old...photo for a screen saver and compared that to the most recent pics from the movie premiere. I know he's tall and keeps growing; I know he's always been thin; I know he eats at some point... but I think he's too thin.

Possibly an irrational fear, possibly just another phase of being an obsessed fan, but I worry...which I do really well...and know the rigors of tour life can be taxing. And health, along with family, are something that cannot always be replaced, but are sometimes taken for granted, especially by the young. We are not immortal; the music may be, but the human body is not.

So I worry, and feel the need to say this. Cathartic for me to put it out into the big vast internet...to fall on whomever ears it lands.

And I say this too because I want to be listening to Tokio Hotel with Bill singing for a very, very long time....I want to watch them grow and change and evolve and keep making music. And if you're not healthy, you can't do that.

Lazy Girl....

Sometimes I get so lazy and unfocused and it drives me nuts. There is so much I want to do, to accomplish, but I get stuck doing mindless, stupid, time-wasting things.

Or, I have the ambition, but I'm in the wrong place (example: I'm at work, writing a blog post. Supposed to be "working" not writing in the blog. But then I dream about work. Ugh...)

Need a swift kick in the backside, or a long to-do list, or some poking and prodding from somewhere...self-motivation seems to be lacking these days.

But at least I have good music to listen to :) There's always that...a bright side to any day.

Oh, found the German version of Phamtomrider online...that will probably get an entire love-fest post of its own. Amazing...

Anniversary

Sometime this month is the year anniversary of first discovering Tokio Hotel...or rather finding a picture of Bill and wondering who the heck that was, what did he look like without the make-up and big hair (which I discovered was just as nice as he looks with) and why did they spell Tokio that way. So I found their site, listened to Scream and Monsoon and fell in love with the music. And then started listening to the music...and went through some profound changes because of it.

It's been a year...can I say that one band, four guys (no longer boys) from Germany who play something labeled alternately "glam rock" (hate that term), "alternative rock" (okay) or "emo" (not accurate either, imo) is the reason I'm not who I was a year ago? Quite possibly yes.

I've made changes based on observations of what was and wasn't authentic, positive and fulfilling in my life. I've become more outspoken, more self-sufficient and generally more positive. Can I say happier? Yes, I think I can.

All because of music? Hell yes. Music has a huge impact on the human brain. Music can be used for all kinds of therapy. I've learned to use Tokio Hotel to take my mind off of my chronic pain; migraines or arthritis, both of which have decreased over the past year. Months have gone by without an arthritis flare and the ones I have had were relatively short lived. Migraines are better controlled with less addictive drugs. No more House in this house.

I write now...I write reviews of Tokio Hotel music, for the pure pleasure of writing about them and having other fans read and enjoy what I've written. I've earned money writing on various sites; articles and fiction and have more in the works. I have a budding new business in the works as well...I am self-sufficient and I can take care of myself. I still have a brick and mortar business to go to, but I've learned to enjoy myself there, even working for someone else. I am a more authentic version of me and even though I'm stuck in a building, in a cubicle, at a desk, I am making that job my own.

On the fun side: a new (first) tattoo, hair color and soon to be new ear piercing.

I am a better version of myself; still me, but a better me, the me I'm supposed to be. Not an automatic version; I'm trying to live each moment, even if it's one of the more mundane moments. That doesn't mean I don't have doubts and sadness and bleak moments. I do...but they are in perspective, I can handle them. I'm not perfect, and not expecting to be. But I'm learning to be the me I have the potential to be.

All because of a chance photo of some kid from Germany with big hair and eyeliner. How cool is that?

My First Complaint ...

I don't think I've ever complained about Tokio Hotel before...pretty much everything they do is okay by me...but...

I really wish the 2 CD set of Humanoid sold in the U.S. had liner notes with the German lyrics. I know enough German now (that's what happens when you get obsessed with a German band; had it been the Jonas Brot...wait, I don't even want to finish that thought) that when I read the lyrics I know more or less what they are saying. I still can't understand enough of the spoken/sung to understand ...

But, in listening obsessively to the German and then English versions, and trying to learn the German, I've come to realize I'm really hearing totally different songs in most cases (even with my poor understanding of spoken German...or sung in this case).

And I know that they don't do a word for exact word for each song, and that's fine. But for some of them (Hey Du/Hey You and Lass Uns Laufen/Behind My Wall) the meanings are totally different. Hey Du with "Kleiner Android" is a pretty dead giveaway since "android" is the same in English and German, at least the spelling, and the pronunciation is easy to figure out.

SO...I've written reviews of songs that will be totally different depending on the language the reader listens to...which bothers me. Not because I feel cheated, but because I feel I'm not doing my best work in writing reviews based on understanding only one version of the song.

I have so much to learn ...

Halloween Make-up

Nothing here about Tokio Hotel except their name :)

I colored my hair recently, from the boring brown to what the package called "Burgundy" and turns out to be a really deep dark red on me...makes me look 3 shades paler than my usual transparent skin...but the best is: I suddenly have green eyes.

My eye color changes from blue to grey to greenish...but the red hair makes them green all the time. And I discovered my vampire make-up from a few years ago...smokey greys for making shadows and contours on my face, but also which now looks killer with the green eyes and red hair.

I'll never be a beauty... never was...but it's fun to play dress up face and actually like the results. There is no working digital camera in this house, so you are all spared that picture...lol...but when TH makes a US appearance and I go, at least I'll have eye make-up and hair that I like.

I also have a friend that's making me a corset, if I remember to send her the measurements, and I'm learning to make chainmaille, and am trying to think of how to make a chainmaille garment to wear...

Not really sure how comfortable a metal shirt would be to wear to a concert...as I say, I'm still working out the details on that. It may end up being lots of jewelry...lot of silver chains and bracelets and other lovely silver stuff.

Obsessed Much?

Contemplating a major move of possessions, cat and offspring, and my first thought was "I wonder if there is anyone there that likes Tokio Hotel?" Promptly followed by "I can't move till after tour dates for 2010 are announced."

I now plan major changes in my life around four guys from Germany and where they're going to be touring next year...I crack myself up sometimes.

Hi to Elsa who stopped in to read and leave a comment... (waving at her over there in Portugal...) :)

100% Tokio Hotel

Check out the 100% Tokio Hotel on Tokio Hotel America fan club. They've got English sub-titles, which makes understanding the whole thing much easier, although I did actually understand some of what was said, if it was said slowly...i.e., anything not spoken by Bill und Tom, who speak way too fast for me to catch anything but the und, um, ja's...and I definitely want to catch everything they say.

Go here and check out 48 minutes of superb video of their early life, interesting interviews with all the band members (learn what they were called before they were called Devilish, and why the chose Devilish in the first place) and as always, fantastic video of all the band, from when they were young up till, I believe, footage from earlier this month.

And for Bill, who may pop in some day to read this...you never know...when love finds you, you will find a way to have that love, regardless of what you think now, or what your life is like now, or how impossible you think it is.

You can only see your life as it is, without love, and cannot see it with love, because that doesn't exist right now. But that doesn't mean it won't happen.

It's kind of like imagining yourself as a bat: you can only imagine what you would be like being a bat; you cannot know what it is like to actually be a bat, to have sonar, to have a furry little face, wings, and live in a cave.

You cannot imagine right now what it's like being in love, only because you are not.

Open up the space in your heart and mind for the possibility it will exist, and something will come to fill that space: the love you seek will find you, if you give it the room.

But I have all the confidence in the world that it will happen, it will be wonderful and it will work.

Okay. Advice to the lovelorn over for the day :)

My review of Humanoid

Finally it's published on Associated Content. What better reason to listen to Tokio Hotel for days and days...I hope you enjoy.

Tokio Hotel - Tom's Blog - The 2009 MTV Europe Music Awards

Hey, from the Tokio Hotel site, and Tom's blog...Rock the Vote for Tokio Hotel

Tokio Hotel - Tom's Blog - The 2009 MTV Europe Music Awards

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All is right in my world...Bill is smiling and has a Mohawk

Found this photo online, and there is nothing that makes me happier than seeing that big smile on Bill's face when he's performing. I miss that so much...I want to see that in person...and I will. But for now, seeing him with that big smile is making everything all right in my world. It lights up his eyes, his entire face. Lovely....

And, the hair is fantastic. I prefer him with BIG hair...whatever he does with it is really his choice...but I love the big spiky hair, whether it's the lion's mane or a Mohawk. It's all his (I think) and all wonderful.

The photo is from Tokio Hotel Rocks...check out more here. There are lots of photos: some pics with the hair style of the past year, some pics of Tom, and lots from the latest concert in Greece.

Humanoid

I cannot say enough about this CD...I fall in love all over again listening to this. It has literally been playing somewhere since Tuesday: in the car, in the CD player at work, in my room on repeat at night, on the boy's x-box downstairs. I wake up singing (I wake myself up singing) ... lol.

I did this with both Scream and Zimmer so I'm not surprised I'm drowning myself in their music, but this music is different...I can't say better...but definitely more grown up (not too much) more sophisticated, more THEM. More who they are becoming.

I was (secretly) afraid of something I would not like...which did NOT happen. I listened the first time with breath held, letting it out with each song little by little, relaxing into what turned out to be pure joy. And it hasn't let up yet. I'm still in bliss.

I did finish the review of Humanoid for Associated Content and am waiting for it to be reviewed. Not sure how long it takes for them to do that, but would like it to be sooner than later. I like seeing my name in print alongside Tokio Hotel. Even if it's just me and three other people that read it...it's still me and them on the same page ;)

Hey, check out this fantastic blog...

She does wonderful drawings of Tokio Hotel...and other people too! (there are other people in the world, Carol...)

My Sketchpad

It's here...It's here!!!!

That would be the fantastic new CD. Get thee to a Best Buy and get the two CD English bonus track CD along with the German version, for less than $15.00. How wonderful is that!!!

It's playing in German upstairs and English downstairs. And as usual, I prefer the German, even though there are more songs on the English CD.

Alex and I had to go for an hour car ride so we could listen (not sure why we couldn't have just listened in the house, but it was fun riding in the car). Not sure if I've said fantastic yet or not, but it is...fantastic.

I went after work to get my copy; drove through 2 red lights and went over the speed limit the whole way (well, I always go over the speed limit) and practically tore the plastic off the case with my teeth on the way to the car. Apologized to Bill for taking out the Zimmer 483 CD that's been playing non-stop in the car for months (I always apologize to them for taking them out of the player) and popped in Humanoid and was in Tokio Hotel heaven.

I think I'll play the German version to fall asleep to...sounds like a good idea. My mom (oldest fan I think) wants the English version only. I have yet to get her to listen to German other than the version of Monsoon that's on Scream.

Random CD Player

My CD player in the car loves me and apparently loves Tokio Hotel as well...when playing Zimmer, it will almost always play 5, 8, 10, 7 and 9 in that order, and then some combination of 1, 3, 12 and 4. It rarely plays 11, which I don't really like (yes, there is a TH song that I don't care for).

I love that the CD loves the same songs I do...and plays them for me in the order I like them. Makes me feel connected with my car...lol.

Interview with the Vampire... part two

Completely forgot about Antonio Banderas as Armand and how gorgeous he is. And eternally elegant and charming and utterly captivating...until he bites you and you're dead. Always a touch of danger behind such elegance and beauty...the evil that lurks beneath the smooth rich surface, like the fetid sewer beneath the great jewel of Paris.

Dreams, Premonitions, Random Thoughts...

Twice in the past week I've had a dream and then had something from that dream occur during my waking hours...and once during the day I had a distinct impression of an event which promptly happened (something mundane but interesting...I had the distinct sensation of eating a sugar cookie; I could smell and taste vanilla and butter, feel the grains of sugar on my lips and the crumble of the cookie in my mouth. I was sitting in a meeting where someone was eating Chinese for lunch, which smelled wonderful. Right after I tasted the cookie, she took a sugar cookie out of her pocket and unwrapped it and took a bite.)

I love when this happens...it used to happen more frequently, but sometimes it goes away, or I don't pay attention well enough. It's like getting a sneak peak into the future, if I know where to look. It's something I can't force either...the harder I try to make it happen, the less it will. I just need to be open and let those impressions happen.

Alex has a girlfriend that is about 40 minutes away...it used to take an hour, but I've learned where on the Interstate I can drive over the speed limit and where the State Patrol usually is.

I love driving...I really someday would like to drive a very powerful, very fast car on a road where the speed limit is more than 75. It's 65 here; when we were in North Carolina and out in Montana there are places where it's 75. Nice...but a Toyota Corolla just isn't the same as say a power heavy Mercedes or some other luxury car made to go fast, but in comfort. I'm not thinking of a little zippy sports car, but something large and smooth and fast...powerful is the word. Power...with speed.

What else... ah, Alex is getting me Humanoid for my birthday, so I am heading over to Amazon to pre-order it so it appears on October 6th...my birthday was yesterday, so it will be late, but Tokio Hotel apparently didn't realize my birthday was the 19th and therefore didn't know when to release Humanoid...yeah, that's it! Still, it's an excellent birthday present.

"Interview with a Vampire" is on...Tom Cruise is creepy, but excellent. Brad Pitt is...well...Brad Pitt, vampire with a conscious (except he kills the little poodles, but does feel bad).

But the decadence..the excess...the grandeur covering a layer of decay...beauty followed by a view of the underside of life. Not all as it seems...Also, beautiful young men wearing make-up, which I seeming have a fondness for.

I'd also like all the clothes from the movie. I really need a new wardrobe; I'm tired of wearing Alex's old Zoo York t-shirts. I'd love to start all over with new clothes; brocades and lace and velvet...corsets and skirts and shifts made of linen. I'm apparently going to win the lottery soon..lol.

Prom Night

I knew that Prom Night had a Tokio Hotel song in it, but none the less, when Donna walks down the stairs for the prom and By Your SIde plays, I still got all teary eyed and goosebumps...and then proceeds a slasher movie. But it had a Tokio Hotel song in it...and they play a whole lot of it!!!

Young love...oldest TH fan...misc. other items

Rummage sale of thoughts...

The resident teenager is in love...which is odd, but nice. And being in that state, he's done his laundry, swept the steps and is currently walking the dog, which never happens. So, I'm all in favor of love, young or otherwise, if it gets the house cleaner and the dog walked. :)

Patiently waiting for two things: pay from online writing, so I can buy Zimmer 483 for my mom. She is, I think, the world's oldest Tokio Hotel fan, or pretty close to it. (She's 74.) She was in hospital recently and the nurse asked her in the morning how she slept. And my mom said, "Not at all...I miss my boys." To which the nurse replied she thought my mom had only a daughter. And my mom said, "Tokio Hotel...my boys...I fall asleep with them every night." Which I find sweet...she listens to Scream every night as she's falling asleep. Granted, she rarely gets past the first two songs before she's asleep... and the part of Live Every Second that repeats "Wake up..." actually does wake her up... she is a fan through and through. I think she will enjoy Zimmer and I plan on getting her Humanoid, in both English and German, when it's out.

Which brings up another thought: will I be able to get both languages at the same time? I hope so, since I really prefer listening to them in German rather than English. I'm not sure why. I love both, any, and all music I can possibly get my hands on, but in my mind, they are forever singing in German.

And hopefully I can write another Associated Content article and review the new songs...it won't be a paid assignment like the last, but since that article was such a big hit with the fan clubs in the countries that got a hold of it, perhaps they'd like my views on the new songs. And perhaps that article can get circulated and the Russians can applaud the article's quality, and the Italians can offer to hug me again. :) My foreign audience...lol.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

Posting from work with no access to photos, but really did not forget today is the twins' birthday. I did forget to post last night, but I also did remember to call the number and leave a message, so I get some points for, well, something :)

I didn't realize I'd hear Bill with a message from the band, so I got a little flustered at the sound of Bill saying "Tokio Hotel" which I adore. Sounds so much better than when someone says it in American English....anyway, I ended up "witching" them a Happy Birthday! lol...

The sentiment is the same and I truly do witch them a happy day, filled with family or friends or coffee and cream tarts with people over 60 (which I sadly, yet also gladly, do not qualify for, but my mom does) or whatever else occupies their day. Cake would be nice as well...

It must be wonderful to share a birth day with someone else, as a twin...I'm an only child so I don't even have a sibling with a different birthday. But to always have someone who will always know exactly when your birthday is....even knows down to the minute where you were before you were born...and will never forget it, will almost always celebrate it with you must be extraordinry. In die nacht comes to mind on this day... rather than singing Happy Birthday, possibly that should be sung.

Again, Happy Birthday to September babies now grown and almost men. Birthday hugs and kisses to you both.... :)

Writing, but not here...

I have become a lazy blogger...lol. But with the advent of a new album, a concert in Cologne and new hairstyles, I have made a commitment to write more here, and to start to write for Associated Content, since there are precious few articles about the boys there (boys..well, not quite so much anymore) and get paid for writing about a topic I love and for writing, which I say I love doing, but manage to not really do much of lately :) Need to work on that.

And it's birthday month coming up for Tom, Bill and me...all good, talented and wonderful individuals are born in either September or March...that covers all of Tokio Hotel and me and my son. And at the moment, that's all that matters :) (others matter, of course, but since this is a blog about them, and it's mine, well...you get the picture.)

An Deiner Seite...And a Rainbow...

Driving home from work, listening to NPR for the news...reached over and hit the CD button and random play selects An Deiner Seite...and at that precise moment, a rainbow appears ahead of me on the horizon...and as the last notes of the song fade away, so does the rainbow.

I still get goosebumps thinking about it. Pretty freaking awesome....

Back to Work...

I'm back to work at AE...they had another contract opening, so I am back at a place I grew to love working at. It was very nice to "come home" so to speak...I even had someone say welcome home when they saw me. So nice...plus I already know where the bathrooms are and have someone to eat lunch with...not like starting at a brand new place, or even worse, the first day at a new school. Oh, the horror...

Anyway, I can again listen to Tokio Hotel at work... :) I have listened to them everyday now at home for the past 5 weeks I've been unemployed...and if I can figure out how Adam's mp3 player works (so kind he was to give me his), I can download more music than I have on CD, and be in heaven. Plus, if I have portable music, I'll no longer be strangling myself with the ear bud cords that attached to the computer, when I get up to leave and forget to disconnect myself.

I wrote almost 60 eHow articles...only a few that I could manage to find a way to slip in Tokio Hotel (one has a pic of Tom with dreads; the article is how to take down dreadlocks. It was a tribute to his, inspired by and written shortly after he traded his for the black cornrows.) There's one more I'm in the middle of for Associated Content, but I'm stuck on a finishing paragraph, and can't seem to get it done. Maybe this weekend...

Article

I'm still finding my Top 10 article out there on other sites...it's been copied and recopied and pasted and taken...but it's still out there. The latest is on deviantART, where someone started a journal based on my article...at least that's what I think happened. They were happy with the article and I'm happy that they found it.

More Fansites...

My AC article has been copied onto several other fan sites, and even though it's without my permission, I cannot be angry or even begin to think about trying to ask them to take it down, not this article. This article was written for the love of writing, and writing about Tokio Hotel. And to share that love.

But I've been reading the comments on those sites and I am so very touched and happy by what they've written...the majority written by teenagers...and I can't be bitchy after reading those.

Besides, it's a huge ego boost to read my article in different languages...Russian, Italian and Spanish so far, the Portuguese site won't open yet...and read the comments. It's funny as well...I wrote "smack on the forehead" like you'd do if you realized you'd made a mistake...and it gets translated as "kiss." Along with "stripped down" in reference to Monsoon...which becomes "undressed." Too funny.

But for the most part, everything comes across as I intended...except also for "arrogant guitar of Tom" in the Italian site. Not what I meant at all (I think it was powerful...I don't have the article open and surprise! I don't have it memorized) and I have no way of going back and getting them to understand. But it's the Italians that want to hug me...lol...and the Russians are very complimentary about the article, but don't want to hug so much.

And...and...and... my name is on the same page with pictures of Bill!!! Yeah, I know, I can do that myself, on my own blog or whatever, but to have it happen randomly out there in the big universe of the internet makes it more special somehow.

And, as always, it makes me smile...inside and out. Really big smile. You'd think at this age, I'd be so over acting like a teenager :)

Me and Them...On a Fan Site...Even Better

The Spain TH Groupies fan site copied my Associated Content article and added it to their site...with a link at the end. I'm happy to see it, and Bill at the top of the page, together... :)

I'm a tiny bit annoyed they copied the whole thing...they did provide a link at the end, but since I earn money from that article and they basically stole it, I'm losing money.

On the other hand, because it's TH and because I am getting increased views, I just sent them a thank you. I kinda wish they had just put the first page and then the link, so someone would have to go read the rest of the article on AC, but I'm thinking fan sites are not all that savvy when comes to content theft and such.

I don't want the article pulled from the site, and I don't want to get into a long email thing with someone where my lack of Spanish might confuse the issue.

But anyway, we're all on the same page again...click the title to go to the Spain site.

Me and Them...On the Same Page

I get so excited when my articles get put on the same page as anything to do with Tokio Hotel...and the article on how to get one of their H&M t-shirts ended up on the same page of a site that has a Tokio Hotel page. So a picture of them is on the same page with an article of mine.

Regardless of how the ended up there...it just makes me smile all over :) *sigh*

Edit: So excited I am that I've edited this post 8 times and still don't have complete sentences or make any sense. Simply put, some bot crawled the eHow site, grabbed a link to my article and put it on their Tokio Hotel page of the site. Really simple, once I get over myself. :)

Edit 2: Like so many things on the internet, what was is no more. But for a day, at least, I shared web space with the guys. Still makes me smile all over :)

Nena

Listening to Nena from 1984 reminds me how exotic we all thought she was...all the boys wanted her..."German," after all, was foreign and therefore cool. Which she was, and is.

I like her music a lot; she has such a clear pure sound to her voice.

Irgendwie...Irgendwo...Irgendwann...

My new favorite German words...along with unendlichkeit...infinity...somehow, somewhere, sometime... according to online translation, and sung in a different German voice...Nena's...who I know from long ago with 99 Luftballoons.

They are so not English, combining letters my tongue has to work to pronounce...it's a good feeling when I finally get something that resembles what I hear.

I think unendlichkeit would make a really lovely tattoo (if I can remember to spell it right)...similar in style but not exact to Bill's left arm. There's lots of loopy letters that would flow elegantly together.

Hmmm...maybe another tattoo is in the works.

Sad Day...and about that email...

My last day at AE...and I really liked that job. And they really liked me and tried so hard to find a way to keep me. But they took me out for lunch and offered references and took my contact information so they can keep in touch. And I made a new friend, so all is good.

However...I seem to have broken the email there...I spent yesterday and today sending pics of Bill, and little video links to annoy a co-worker, cuz get this...she's not into Tokio Hotel! OMG, how could that be?

Anyway, my email crashed and disconnected from the server...I think the server just couldn't handle all that sexy German-ness!

I love this picture, and I so want to touch that hair...

In My Dreams...

Ever have a dream and wake up and think it was real? Or have left over emotions from it? Sure you have...

Anyway...so I'm standing in line waiting for autographs...I'm in Minneapolis and it's cold...which it always is in Minnesota...and Bill is first coming down the line and all the teeny girls are screaming in my ears...I'm holding my own at the front of the crowd...and here he comes, and I hold out what I think is a CD case...it was plastic and about the right size...in both my hands.

So he reaches for that, touches my fingers (OH MY GOD...I remember the feeling of a fingernail hitting my right index finger and slightly chilly fingertips)...he signs his name and I say "Danke, liebchen." He looks up, smiles (OH MY GOD again) and says, "Sprechen sie Deutsche?"

I say "No, just song lyrics and 'Ich liebe Bill'." To which he laughs and says, "So does everyone else."

And walks away. And I realize that 10,000 screaming teenage girls are screaming Ich liebe Bill in the background.

Yeah...quick thinking there...

How to Get the Tokio Hotel Designed H&M and Designers Against AIDS T-Shirt | eHow.com

How to Get the Tokio Hotel Designed H&M and Designers Against AIDS T-Shirt eHow.com

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Possibly the longest title in history, but it's hard to write a how to about buying a T-shirt when it has to be a 150 word minimum.

Dragon Lily...

Finally got a picture of most of my tattoo...and I finally get to see it as well, as it really is, not the mirror image.

Kinda freaks me out, since I've had it for almost 2 months, but haven't really had a chance to enjoy it.

Warm and Fuzzy...

I am feeling more than the usual warm and fuzzy feelings for Tokio Hotel music today...I'm almost giddy listening. I found an online source I can stream here at work (shhh...) so I can listen to Unendlichkeit and Freunde Bleiben which I love.

But I'm also wondering if this spine tingling feeling has some other reason causing it...we'll have to wait and see...

Edit: It was higher than normal earnings on eHow, and someone trying to find a reason to keep me on my current assignment longer...so it was for good things :)

Long Weekend...

I'm so looking forward the the 3 day weekend...although no holiday pay, I've got a list of articles to write, several of which are for Associated Content about Tokio Hotel. My first piece has gotten 39 or so views and earned six cents...but I didn't write it for the money; that piece I wrote for the joy of writing about Tokio Hotel music. The others will be written because I thoroughly enjoy the topic, but also hopefully to earn some income. I might get enough in a few months to buy a can of Monster Java...yeah!

Anyway, I have goals for writing, I have goals for learning some new German words....Unendlichkeit lyrics (I love that song)...boring stuff like laundry and housework, but mostly writing.

Got any article ideas you'd like to see in print? For the random person stopping in, let me know. If it relates to TH, I'd be happy to write something up.

Song Playing in My Heart...

I can't believe I thought this today...I was actually not listening to a CD, but had a song running through my head, as usual. (I get teased about the "voices in my head" being in German.)

And I thought "There's always a song playing in my heart..." meaning to think "there's always a song playing in my head."

Song playing in my heart? My conscious mind and I think my sub-conscious has made these songs so personal, they're now from the heart, or I've taken them to heart...or something along those lines.

This is more sentimental than I usually get about stuff...I'm turning into a Hallmark card.

Tokio Hotel in a Small Town...

My kid took the Scream America! two-song single (I keep getting hung up on "two" song "single," but I digress) to a friend's house so he could listen to the remix. So Alex showed the CD to a few friends (girls) to find out if they thought Bill was attractive (lol...the obvious answer would be yes). Shockingly enough, not every teenage girl here knows who TH is.

It seems there is a huge vacuum here in this tiny town. I'm thinking that for world domination to occur, TH needs not to perform at huge venues, but in little tiny theaters...like our little tiny one here, or even better, the Barrymore in Madison. It's small and Bill wouldn't have much room to prowl, but it would sure be up close and personal. I know they sound/look/seem happier in large venues, but I'm just looking to see them anywhere I can.

Just my personal desire to get things to go my way :)

Seeking Employment...

The current temp gig is coming to an end...sadly, cuz I like this one. But they're not hiring; bad economy as usual.

So...Highly organized administrative assistant, detail oriented, dedicated, adaptable, flexible, available June 1st...if it were possible to work in a reference to Tokio Hotel in there I would. I don't speak German (I don't think phonetic pronunciations of Reden lyrics count). *sigh* Can still pull an all-nighter with enough Java Monster drinks...Mean Bean rocks, and Russian does the trick.

It's been a long day...I hate looking for work. I hate not having work more, since that equals not having pay. And for some reason, utility companies and telephone companies and internet connections all need money...

The only consolation of not working is having time to write...not always here, but on Associated Content or eHow...hard to write how-to's though about Tokio Hotel, but I've managed to slip in some references and pictures. "How to Get a Gravatar" with a lovely pic of Bill.

Hmmmm...how to be a fan...how to sing phonetic German to Tokio Hotel songs...how to understand the meaning of Wir Sterben Niemals Aus. (I spelled that right without having to look it up!!)

Associated Content Article

How fun to write about Tokio Hotel...and get paid. I'm looking forward to writing more articles on the guys. Check out the article (click on the title above)...my pick of the top 10 Tokio Hotel songs. For the 2 other people who read this, I'd be interested in hearing what your picks are. Tokio Hotel fans seem to be drawn to certain songs, and they also seem to be different for everyone. Which is a cool thing...

Nice Surprise...

I write online how-to articles at eHow.com...and decided to check out Associated Content, since their format isn't so much "how-to" as actual articles, and since I seem to be a bit wordy in my writings.

So, they have suggested topics and since I'm new, I thought I'd take a look. And what do I find but this... "Submit your take on the ten best songs by your favorite recording artist. Provide details on the significance and personal meaning of each song and why it's one of the ten best in the artist or band's catalogue."

Writer's and Tokio Hotel fan's heaven...I get to actually explain why I like their songs, what they mean to me and possibly get paid (it's a pay per 1000 view site, so it might not be much).

There is early TH stuff I haven't really listened to...I got all addicted to the most recent music, which I have on continuous play somewhere at all times on CDs, so I have a whole new reason to go back in time and really listen, look up translations, pay attention (more than just watch vids and drool on the keyboard) and fall in love all over again with all new music...well, new to me at least.

I'm soooo looking forward to the next 2 weeks...deadline for the article is May 1st.

Lots of Emotion...

Because sometimes I love the sound of my own prose, I posted this on The Official Tokio Hotel Fanclub site...and there is just so much more I feel (heart sick is one feeling) that can't be put into words. Other than I'm way too invested in the lives of people I don't know.

Is that the definition of an obsessed fan? Would I be a stalker? I'm sure if I saw any member of Tokio Hotel on the street, my first instinct would be (after fainting) to ask for an autograph. And that's such an intrusive thing. I wouldn't ask a stranger on the street for that; why are TH any different? But the fan stalkers have gone too far. I'm not sure if it would be different in the US. I know we have stalker fans, but they are usually just one crazed, obsessed fan, not gangs of masked girls following them around. Scary...

I was stalked at one time, and in a fairly lame manner, but still...it is horrible to feel your freedom is impacted by someone's actions. And when it goes to the point of physical contact, it must be a terrible thing. I can't imagine....

From the fan site:

We need to support them as much as we can…the words we write, the pictures we use, the videos we make…and be true fans. We may be on the other side of the world, or in the same city as they are, but we are NOT all crazed, stalker fans. We may adore and love them in our own ways, but above all, we RESPECT them…respect their families, their privacy…their freedom.

Bill wears that on his arm, has it permanently tattooed into his skin…and stalker fans take that away. It makes me angry and sad…and makes me feel helpless.

There are more of us than there are stalkers…I hope TH and their families know that and can feel the positive energy we can generate. We’re intense, we’re loyal, but we’re not crazy.

Tom

I have had ... words...anxiety...fear of the unknown...for the past 2 days. Words I can't express and anxiety and fear that no one else would understand. This is the reason I hate the internet...and love the internet at the same time. There's too much information, and not enough contact.

I cannot comment on what happened, since 1) I wasn't there, 2) I've only read one side of the story, 3) I don't know these people and C) I'm reading news reports translated from German into that weird pseudo English that's not quite accurate and from Bild, which I think is not always accurate as much as a sensationalist paper.

All I know is I do have concern and and a desire to express that I sincerely hope everything gets explained, gets understood...works out. And basically, I get to say this to myself here, and the 2 other people that occasionally pop in and read.

And that's the world we live in...instant information; well, next morning at least, there is 7 hours' difference...and no way to connect to offer whatever it is we, I have to offer. Or even to know if what I have to offer would be accepted or even understood.

And sometimes that sucks.

Tokio Hotel Goes So Well....

...with everything. Really...perfect music to garden by, listen to in the car, go to sleep to...listen to at work, write to. Anywhere. There is so much to hear in the songs, and if taken literally, there are actually lots of lessons to be learned and applied to life. Well, not all of them, but many.

And I am so waiting for some new music. I'm so curious to know what they sound like as they grow up and mature. And my CDs are wearing out from constant use :)

And there is no way I could ever get tired of listen to Bill's voice.

Tattoos are Magical...Bill Speaks

I've had my beautiful Japanese dragon tattoo since Friday...it itches now, which is normal, but is healing well. It took 2-1/2 hours...not as long as we originally thought, but still a chunk of time. My artist said if it were he, he'd have split it into two sessions, but then again, he said he's a wimp when it comes to pain.

And since then, all kinds of nice little things have been happening...just minor things...seeing someone I hadn't see in awhile in an unexpected place, my boss offering to buy me lunch...stuff like that. And my arthritis has magically stopped hurting...I'm taking that as the best thing at the moment.

And then a brief, seconds only message on Cherrytree Records (14 to be exact) of that lovely German accented English...I didn't expect it to be anything other than an update on the new album...and that's what it was...but I just love to hear him say "Tokio Hotel."

Here in the Midwest, we manage to say "Toe-Key-Yo" and drag it out....much nicer to hear it said by Bill.

Tattoo to be Done Tomorrow...

By this time tomorrow, I will be inked...it's like waiting for Christmas, my birthday and a trip to the dentist all rolled into one. I was told to expect 4 hours...so I'm getting prepared for that. I'm just so damn excited. I didn't get a sketch because he's going to draw the design tomorrow, on me...and not do a stencil. I'm hoping to get a photo afterwards...since it's on my back, I'll never really "see" it...only a reflection on the mirror, which, of course, will be a reverse image.

Which is how we see ourselves most of the time...and why we sometimes don't like photos of ourselves...it's not how we "see" ourselves; it's not the familiar face in the mirror.

Happy Birthday Georg!

Since Georg, wherever he is, is probably 6 hours ahead of where I am and it's 6:00 p.m. here, I'm safe in saying Happy Birthday and not being early, and on the remote chance he reads this, it would be his birthday.

So, Georg, wherever you are, have a wonderful day...I hope you get to spend it doing something fantastic, and with family and friends.

Best wishes for a wonderful year as well.

Carol

Bill as Dragon....or Tokio Hotel as Tattoo

Not literally is Bill a dragon, nor will he be my tattoo... or Tokio Hotel either...

I've decided, finally, on my first tattoo design...although I knew it would be a dragon, but not a Japanese dragon, on my upper back. And it took some research to find out why I wanted this particular dragon.

I believe images and visions appear to us for a reason, and sometimes it's up to us to determine what they mean, if anything. I'd prefer my images to have meaning, and give me insight, rather than just be pretty images.

Dragons in some form have always been a part of my life for a long time....my business was called Dragon Lily Designs...I'm Dragon Lily in any game I play...it's just always been there.

So a logical choice for a tattoo, no? No...not really. I wanted to know more...so some research lead me discover dragons in other cultures and Japanese dragons in particular. They are not always the evil, malevolent, fire breathing dragons of Western culture. They usually represent a guardian or protector.

Which was getting me in the right direction but I wanted to include some reference to TH, because they have had a pretty profound impact on my life, but not a full face portrait of Bill or the logo...I think that tattoos should allow one to age gracefully and age gracefully themselves. Besides, as much as Bill changes himself, a tattoo of him would be outdated by next year. I'd forever be going back to have hair added, removed, put in braids...lol...I'd have to keep the tattoo artist on retainer. He'd be a very rich tattoo artist.

But I did read the following bit...

"The female dragon produces at every parturition (birth) nine young....The first young dragon sings, and likes all harmonious sounds, hence the tops of Japanese bells are cast in the form of this dragon..."

Interesting. No, it's not a description of Bill or Tokio Hotel, but there is now enough symbolism and meaning in what I want, to make it meaningful for me and make me happy.

I go in 1 hour and 28 minutes for my consultation to create a drawing. I'm hoping to get an email of it as well.

Okay...Back to Posting...in English, not Hindi

For the two other people that may have read this blog and wondered where I've been...I've been nowhere, but my blog settings got changed (that would have been me changing them and not paying attention) so I was typing in Hindi for a time, and not being able to figure out what was going on.

No great loss...have not had much to say anyway. Had a fantastic post all ready in my head, after drinking some Eel River Raven's Eye Imperial Stout the other day, but as with most drunken thoughts...by morning they had all evaporated. I do know it was about "irrational fears," something I subject my kid to on a regular basis...like gravity will cease to exist for him and he'll either plummet off the bridge into the water, or fly into the sky and I'll never get him back. I think that's just the parent in me.

I do have irrational fears for Bill thought...not the rest of the band though. Not that I do not like the rest of the band as much...I really do. They just all seem...um..."more" something...I want to say "sturdy" but that's not the right word...maybe it's "less" something, not more. Less likely to fall victim to something bad happening to them?

I think it's just me projecting my parental fears on someone else. I'm sure Bill is perfectly capable of taking care of himself; he has been for quite some time. I think it's partly from watching way too much YouTube, like all the other obsessed fans.

Although he is one of the few famous people I worry about. Angelina Jolie is another. Not sure why...she, and I guess he, seem vulnerable in a way that touches me. And I think she's perfectly capable of taking care of herself as well...but I still say a prayer for both of them, even though I'm an agnostic.

But a prayer is a prayer, wherever it goes or whoever says it...or whoever receives it.

I'm being stalked by Heidi Klum...

Suddenly everywhere I look, there is Heidi Klum, another German beauty. I know there is a new Victoria's Secret campaign for the perfect bra, but before the commercials started, I happened to catch an hour show about her, and I know there's a comment on one of the Caught on Camera videos where the guys go to Los Angeles and I think it's Bill that says they're going to see Heidi Klum. And at the store today, she's smiling out from the cover of a magazine. Such a beautiful smile...and then I watched The Devil Wears Prada...and she's in there too.

A long time ago, I remember Heidi was on some game show...I cannot remember the name, but they had models as the contestants, answering questions. I was watching at my parents' house, and my dad made the comment that she was spunky, plus she also knew more of the answers than anyone else...that he like her because she seemed to actually have a personality. Which she does.

I wanna know why Tokio Hotel went to see Heidi Klum...nosey, intrusive person I am... lol...and why suddenly everywhere I look I see her. Yeah...yeah... I know about marketing, but this is getting to be spooky.

It's just hair...and not even ours

Bill's possible/potential/unknown-if-real new look. Well...first off, it's his hair. His to cut, or color, or play with extensions, or braids, or whatever.

It's his and has been ever since he decided not to be like everyone else. Which he still is...not like everyone one else. And now he's not even like himself from last year. Which to me seems just like him.

Change is good...new year, new songs, new hair, new make-up (which I personally really like...very haute couture).

There's a danger, I think, with having a persona that's bigger than life (which Bill does on stage), and getting locked into a defining hair or make-up style (which he certainly does, er, did; you could recognize a silhouette of him anywhere)...almost like a trademark...that becomes hard to maintain after a while without getting stale.

The lion mane is gorgeous, no doubt, and may be back in the future, but I'm not sure he's going to be rocking that hairstyle in his 40's. He might end up looking like a bad caricature of himself.

Evolution in music is important; evolution in personal style is as well for some. Maybe it's an outward reflection of what's going on inside. Or maybe hair to him is just hair. Something to play with, add accessories to, do stuff with. Same with make-up. It does come in more than just black.

As long as I see that big smile and a happy face, I'm happy, regardless of the hairstyle. The pictures from Miami had a little hint of not-so-happy in them.

Fairness - drei

And last but certainly not least...a day with Gustav. To be honest, I know the least about Gustav, mostly because he isn't as vocal as some of the members of the band. So....this would be an opportunity again to get to know what someone thinks about their experiences and what it's like to be a rock star at such a young age.

From someone who seems to have a wonderful sense of humor, just not as vocal as others, to find out what goes on for him at a show...what it's like to actually watch the show as well as be a part of it. He has a unique vantage point...one most of us would probably die to have.

I do know he tends to spend his off time on tour "in a meadow," so I'm thinking...a hike in nature, some beer and good lunch.

Fairness - zwei

Tom...there is only one thing I can think of to do with Tom in my fantasy get-to-spend-time-with-one-of-the-guys-day...go-carts.

I love to drive........fast (I have the tickets to prove it). And I think it would be kick ass to compete. I've never driven a go-cart, but as long as someone shows me where the gas pedal is, I think all will be good.

Just the gas pedal...brakes are for wimps.

Fairness...

So if we're spending one fantasy night with Bill...I think we should also be able to spend quality fantasy time with the other guys....let's start with Georg, since it's his birthday month.

I think a day in a city he's familiar with, because here....well, there is absolutely nothing to see, and a tour of my town would take about 10 minutes, and besides, this is my fantasy...taking a long walk...having a nice lunch, and again...listening. I'm sensing a theme here...lol...but by any measure, getting to spend time with someone and hearing what they have to say, getting their impressions of where they've been, particularly someone who is young, intelligent, insightful, and having such exceptional experiences would be a dream come true...for me at least.

Georg is a devoted newspaper reader (I think it was the New York Times), took psych classes...I think, again, there's a whole lot to get to know.

Tokio Hotel Lobby Website... A Real Website, Not Just a Blog!

Apparently March will also be the birthday month for the Tokio Hotel Lobby website.

Finally...the thing I wanted to do first, which seemed to be the most important to me...like the cornerstone...the blog was secondary. Getting back to playing music was important, but was again not my focus. But, as with most things in life, they don't go as planned.

I have a blog, which I actually love more than I thought...even though I think a total of 5 other people have read it besides me...I think it's helped me in more ways than I could have realized.

The violin is here...a new one. The old student one was beyond repair, so it will be hung on the wall because of its sentimental value. But a brand new, never been played instrument arrived this week. My fingers ache, both literally with pain, but also to play again. I fall asleep listening to Zimmer 483; the fingers on my left hand twitch, and as I start to drift off, right arm will suddenly jerk in time with the music.

I need practice, but at least I have inspiring music to practice with.

If You Could Spend...

There was a post on Yahoo questions, which made me smile...(it's such a teenage girl question): if you could spend the night with Bill...and this struck me as funny...if he liked you well enough to hang out the next day with you, what would you wish to have happen.

I'm sure all the teenage girls who read that all had pretty much the same thoughts...in my wildest fantasies, I'm sure mine were the same :)... but there's fantasy and fun and impossibility and then there's more realistic stuff...slightly in the distant realm of possibility...lol...

So for my night...I'd like to make dinner. I have the recipe for the meatball in sauce thing that the caterers made for the last Zimmer tour date....I have the real name, but I'm not finding it. I like to cook...I tend to want to nurture people. And then for the fun stuff...I'd like to....listen. I have questions, about 8 million, but I'd like to just ask and then listen to the answer...and let the conversation take it's own course.

I think there is a huge amount of buried treasure there...for as much as we "see" and "hear" Bill and Tokio Hotel online and in concert, I don't think we can ever really "know" them. I've talked before about all the fans that think they love TH...and we do love them, as fans...but there are always some that take that love seriously.

We love the bits we see, the bits we're given...and fill in the blanks with what we'd like to believe is real.

But back to the improbable...good food (yes, I'm an excellent cook) and good conversation. I think that would be perfect.

Happy Birthday Month to Georg....

I think everyone should get to celebrate their birthday month, week, and day...and since this is March, it's Georg's turn (and my son, who's birthday is the 25th).

So to Georg....Happy 22nd Birthday Month!

And I found this beautiful picture, done by =noei1984 at deviantART....there are beautiful portraits for all the guys there, so I think I'll use them for their birthday posts as well. Check out her stunning work at http://noei1984.deviantart.com/ She's amazing.

Bits of Random Interconnectedness...

Just random things that I found interesting:

I've read that one of Bill's favorite movies is Labyrinth...which starred David Bowie...
and
David Bowie did the voice of Maltazard in the English language version of Arthur and the Invisibles...
and
Bill did the voice of Arthur in the German language version of Arthur et les Minimoys...
and
He got to work with Nena, his favorite singer, who did the voice of the Princess...
who
Is the mother of twins...
and
Bill is a twin...
and
...more as I discover things.

The Mosaic is born...and it's twins!!!

I got this alert in three different places, so I'm actually current with a bit of Tokio Hotel related information. It's never been my goal to be the first and foremost with stuff, but still...these are pretty wicked mosaics. Sadly, I have no digital camera, so no image of me is in them. Ah well...

They are the same, yet slight different...just like another set of twins we know....hmmm....interesting.


http://tokiohotel.pop24.de/tokiohotel2/specials/us/mosaicaction200810/

Language

I'm wondering how many English speakers prefer to listen to Tokio Hotel in German? I do, for the most part, but because I cannot not sing along with them, I listen to English versions. I think something gets lost in translation, although I think they do a wonderful job, because I don't think English is the easiest language to translate into, or learn, for that matter. And everything sounds better in the language it was written in.

My German is limited to Danke and Bitte...at least I'm polite. And now I could ask someone not to jump, politely, as well. I'm not so good at learning new languages, but I'm trying to learn the words to sing along in German. I've got Heilig down pretty well, except for one phrase that wasn't translated on the video that was also translated into French, so I skip that part. And most of the Zimmer concert videos I watch have Russian subtitles, since the guy who uploaded them did it in really large chuncks, without taking out all Bill's talking to the audience between songs. I have no idea what he's saying...but it's not that important to know the words. Watching sometimes is enough.

I'm usually in the car when I'm singing or, rarely, at the computer, so I don't have the liner notes in front of me (I'm forbidden from singing out loud in the house, because it's embarrassing to some....I think I sound pretty good...not sure what the problem is.) Since the drive to work is almost 40 minutes (or if I'm lucky and have to go to the wind farm, an hour and a half each way of pure TH bliss) I get through most of Zimmer 483 and most of Scream on a daily basis.

I've noticed that I've started singing in both languages on the some songs...only if it's in English can I sing some of the German words...kind of like having multiple personalities.

And when I sing in English...I mimic Bill's pronounciation of words, so I sound like someone who speaks German speaking English with an accent. When I sing German though, it just sounds like a bad Wisconsin accent (which I hate) mangling words, not cute at all. You'd think I'd be able to channel some of my German DNA, but sadly, no luck. Only got the fair skin and stubborn attitude, but no ability to sprechen Sie Deutches.

At my last job, I could listen to music so I had Youtube running constantly. I had turned up the volume louder one day, and someone came out of their office, all alarmed and said, "I'm hearing voices in my office, and I think they're singing in German." Yeah...one of those tricks of acoustics.

Although I'm always hearing voices, and most the time they are singing in German...even when I'm not listening to anything. And I'm not alarmed at all... :)

A Capella Monsoon....a religious experience

I so wish I could find the a capella version of Monsoon (it should be over on the right there, in the Youtube video links if you'd like to take a listen) on CD. Maybe it does exist, but I'm just not finding it.

A capella originally was how religious music was sung (a capella means "from the chapel or church...history lesson for the day) and there is something so perfect about listening to a pure, sweet voice...although it's accompanied by a piano in some of the versions, which isn't quite a capella, but damn close enough for me...that is almost mystical.

A truly religious experience for those who view Tokio Hotel as a religion and ourselves as followers.

I'm So Easily Amused....

I was in my own Tokio Hotel alerts in my email today...and for some reason I'm just so totally blown away by that. I'm such a geek. I scrolled down through all the sites listed and saw "Better Living Through Tokio Hotel" and then "Beautiful Words About Bill" and realized it was my blog...

Anyway, if I can ever figure out how to make the Tokio Hotel Lobby website work, then I can search for myself on Google and really make myself happy. Like looking for your name online.

This was in my email alerts today and it's just so true and beautiful, I felt like sharing with the whole two people in the world who see this and might not see the TokioHotelAmerica site. I've thought the same thing so often, after watching vids of the European tour and the American tour. Such beautiful words and so eloquently written:

Beautiful words about Bill

February 18, 2009 by Schnee

On the Fanclub Forum, we are discussing the new album, well, the rumors and our hopes and stuff. And of course, Bill comes up in discussion. Coolbreezegirl said these beautiful words about him, so I wanted to share them with all of you. Because we love that guy. Hehhee.

“Bill Kaulitz was born to play in arenas and for crowds of more than 10,000. He is not made for 1,000 people capacity clubs. That is like seeing a wing clipped eagle sitting on a branch. It is still impressive due to the sheer charisma of the bird, but nothing compared to seeing it stretch out its huge wings and fly up in the sky.”

Isn’t that AWESOME?

p.s. if that is your picture, I am sorry I do not have the name of who took that particular image. Will be glad to credit.

(I'll also be glad to credit for the picture as well.)

A Diary Full of Trash...An Entry Full of Pain...

Well, that's a dramatic title for a post... geez....makes me roll my eyes just to read it.

I should know that some lyric of some Tokio Hotel song, listened to in English, will hit a nerve...it was By Your Side today. It usually makes me misty anyway, but today was worse. I should know better and listen to it in German, so I don't always know what the words are (or I can pretend I don't know).

Whiny self pity to follow...everything in my body hurts so much at this moment, I don't know where the pain ends and I begin. My teeth even hurt. I'd write help in my own blood, but my fingers hurt too much...typing at this point is almost agony.

I would never wish chronic pain on anyone, even my worst enemy. There is nothing worse than a body trying to destroy itself with it's own immune system...this would be rheumatoid arthritis. The closest description of the pain I've ever come up with is imagining ground glass in all your joints. Every movement is painful. Why now it's decided to flare up is anyone's guess, although I'd suspect the change in weather has something to do with it. It's snowing...which it has done all winter, but in the Northern Hemisphere it's turning to spring soon, so the weather changes are more dramatic. I would suspect I have several months of this crap before summer comes and things become more stable.

I want to see Tokio Hotel when they come to the States...and I want to see it as a healthy, pain free person, so that I can jump around with all the teeny girls, so I can stay up all night driving to or from the venue...so that I can enjoy, drug free, seeing a group I truly enjoy listening to, along with being able to elbow my way to the front for a really good look at Bill :)

So...my life needed some attention and changes, and the sound track for those changes has been Tokio Hotel. It's always playing, even in my head when I'm at work, where no music is allowed. That place is like a library...some day I think I'll just blast Scream at full volume till someone tells me I'm fired! :)

And I go to sleep dreaming under the sweet blanket of German words sung by someone who will never know what an impact he has had on my life...he and his twin and their two friends. And I sound like such a melodramatic person writing this, but what the hell...it's my blog and I'll be a drama queen in it if I want to.

Better Living Through Tokio Hotel...

For God's sake, if you're reading this, find your passion young, and pursue it like there is nothing else you'd ever want to do....don't wake up one day at 47 sitting in a cubicle in someone else's office, wondering where the hell your life has gone. Even if you have no great passion in your life, at least find some direction to go that's more fulfilling than just drifting along to the next...and the next... and the next pointless thing.

"If you can't be a good example, at least be a horrible warning."

SO....be like Tom und Bill und Gustav und Georg und live and liebe your passion...live it each and every day...even if some of those days are spent visiting your bed and having an intimate 24 hour relationship with it :)

At least what led up to, and will follow, that 24 hour relationship was the best thing you could have done, or will be doing; even if it's hard and exhausting at times, seems like you're getting now where other times, even when you lose the competition in the quarter finals or are so sick of pizza you wish to vomit.

You just keep doing it, because you cannot imagine doing anything else.

Music Heaven...

Oh, my God, you'd think I'd died and gone to heaven....I've found sheet music online for many Tokio Hotel songs, particularly An Denier Seite (Ich Bin Da).......which I can't listen to without get all misty.

So, I'm not sure how I'll actually be able to learn to play it...my violin will warp from the tears. (I'm so melodramatic...lol)

At any rate, an instrument that I have not played in over 30 years will get new strings, gets polished, the bow gets rosined up and I get to try again....all because of lovely Bill Kaulitz and his wonderful angelic voice and the ability to Google almost anything. I feel like I have been given a gift...something I could have done all along, all by myself, I know, but I think needing to find the right catalyst. And it is that lovely voice...

It is said that the violin is the closest in tone to the human voice, and I know the versions of Spring Nicht (a Youtube version from 2007 in particular) and Monsoon with strings are breathtaking and heartbreaking all at once and echo the depth and passion of Bill's voice. I'm hoping there are more strings used in their future work.

Plus, it's so damned fun to get good at a piece, to be able to put the sheet music away and just close your eyes and play...to play from the heart and not the mind. The fingers know where to go, the bow dips on its own accord, and the music comes from a different place. It's hard work to get to that place, but I'm looking forward to the challenge of trying to get there. I used to be able to do that...

The Perfect Girl?

In a book I like by Ann Patchett, called bel canto, the character Roxane says, "People love each other for all sorts of different reasons...most of the time we're loved for what we can do rather than for who we are. It's not such a bad thing, being loved for what you can do."

"But the other is better," Gen said.

"Better. I hate to say better, but it is. If someone loves you for what you can do then it's flattering, but why do you love them? If someone loves you for who you are then they have to know you, which means you have to know them."

I happened to read that about the time I read online that Bill is searching for love, but not finding it yet...and it struck a chord.

We all love Bill...me and the 8 million 13-22 year olds that make the majority of his fans. But is he loved for what he does? Because he can sing achingly beautiful songs that pull at our hearts, even those hearts old enough to know better? Or because he can rock a stadium with just his presence on stage with a megaphone...never mind that he and the band kick ass as far as the music goes? Or because there is no other guy that can wear eyeliner quite so devestatingly (and better than us) and still make us weak at the knees (except Johnny Depp in POTC)?

We love Bill for what he does. But I think in this age of MySpace, Youtube, Tokio Hotel TV and instant media, we also think we really love Bill (and Tom, and Georg, and Gustav) because we think we know them. I use "we" collectively, because I fall into the same trap as everyone else sometimes. (What a lovely, sweet trap to fall into though) I see 4 minutes of Caught on Camera and therefore become an instant authority on Bill Kaulitz, et al.

We strive so hard to find some little thing that makes him "ours" and we have such a wealth of images and words now to drown in....it's no wonder he's getting marriage proposals in fan mail.

But where does that leave Bill? With 20,000 screaming girls at a venue, all professing love eternal from the front row, how's he ever supposed to find a girl in a normal way? How would he ever be able to trust that what he says in private stays private? Do you make up things to tell her and then watch to see if they end up printed in Bild or some other tabloid?

Because I am a hopeless romantic at heart....I do believe that love will find him, as it does most of us, in a totally unexpected place, and in a totally unexpected way, with a totally unexpected person. Either right under his beautiful nose, where it's been all along, or in the last place he would ever think it would present itself. But for all that to happen he needs to keep that heart of his equal parts open, but protected. A fine balance between letting in and holding back. Earning and building trust....on both sides.

For my insignificant part in all this (being a fan amongst millions is kind of like being a star in the universe...kind of lost in with all the rest) my sincerest and heartfelt wish that he finds true love.

The Curse of Being a Perfectionist...

Three quarters of the members of Tokio Hotel are Virgos...the sign of the zodiac known for their perfectionistic ways. Bill says he wants everything perfect...stressing out over the details and not wanting to make mistakes.

Not wanting to make mistakes...it holds me back (I'm also a Virgo, a perfectionist person, hardest on myself than anyone else would ever be). Holds me back from doing new things, for fear of failure, and of success. Not just the regular "I might fail"... but that I might actually succeed, but not be perfect. I might make a mistake. If it's not going to be perfect, I might as well never start.

But I forget in all this, that I might also be great. Or...just good enough. Or...I might fail. But if I don't try for fear of succeeding, then I've fulfilled my little prophecy...I have failed.

I watch Bill and Tokio Hotel and realize they can be great...they are great...and they make mistakes...and possibly Bill beats himself up afterward for the mistakes (there's some footage in the Zimmer 483 documentary that he was "really bad" after one performance. I also notice he was saying this with no make-up on, just his beautiful face...hmm...gotta think on that.)

But they follow their passion and work at what they do. And don't give up. So, if this group of boys can make succeed and do what they love...why can't I?

What a rush....

I was just watching the concert footage on Youtube from the Zimmer 483 tour...what an amazing feeling it must be to stand on stage in front of a huge crowd of screaming teenage girls, and have them sing your song back to you...I love watching the looks on the faces of the band, as the whole crowd sings back to them. What must it feel like to have that kind of support from fans? I get goosebumps ever time I watch that video.

I want to go to a concert...and be in the middle of all that energy...all though I'm not sure what being in a crowd of thousands of screaming teenage girls is going to do to my hearing...at my age :)

We'll see...

Lovely Brand New Blog....

Like a blank piece of paper....and my mind goes completely blank. I've been writing entries in my head for over a week, just waiting to do this...

Well, I guess I could start with the name of the blog. Obviously I'm a fan, and most of my musings over the past days (months) have been about Tokio Hotel and what I'd write. What I'm listening to, what I'm reading about, thinking about a website I'd like to start. Thinking I'd like this to be more...more what?...I don't know.

I'd like to write about how Tokio Hotel has made a difference in my life, without sounding trite or pathetic or just plain weird.

We'll see...